Jeff Young is a Liverpool-based writer for stage, screen, and radio. He has also written poetry, spoken word, sound art, and for site-specific projects and installations. His memoir, Ghost Town: A Liverpool Shadowplay, was shortlisted for the 2020 COSTA Biography Award and long-listed for the 2022 Portico Prize. The follow-up to Ghost Town, Wild Twin, is published by Little Toller. I quizzed Jeff about the two memoirs, his short work for Rough Trade Books, Delíria, and the stage play Bright Phoenix.
‘I was writing a book which is primarily about memory in the room where my dad could no longer remember huge swaths of his life.’
I’d love to hear about your new book, Wild Twin, which I’ve seen described as an ‘Orwellian travel book’ and ‘hallucinogenic’ (making me wonder whether Delíria might be an excerpt). What did you learn from Ghost Town that you’ve applied to the new work? How are the two books connected in your mind?
I think the idea of the book being ‘Orwellian’ comes from (possible) similarities with Down and Out in Paris and London, rather than anything Orwellian in the way we perceive the term.
It’s ‘hallucinogenic’ in the sense that I think I often write about memory in a hallucinogenic way, sometimes with a stream of consciousness tone. A lot of the time I’m trying to suggest the atmosphere of memory, which to me is a dream like state with uncertainty, unreliability and shadowy realms where ‘the facts’ are less important than the imagined. I’m as interested in writing about false memory and memories distorted by repeated telling as the actual ‘autobiographical facts’ which I think are as unreliable as the provisional and doubtful.
What I learned from Ghost Town was that all of this is okay! In the many conversations I’ve had with people who read the book I’ve found that most people perceive memory in similar ways to me. The subtitle of the book is ‘A Liverpool Shadowplay’ and that’s how I see memory – it’s a place of shadows just beyond reality and it’s akin to dream, hallucination and haunting. It’s a Ghost Town.
Delíria was in a sense a ‘dry run’ for Wild Twin. It could easily fit into the new book as a chapter because it has the same ‘voice’ or style. It is indeed a kind of delirium or fever-state and I feel comfortable writing in that space rather than attempting to write ‘automatically’. I think my background in non-naturalistic theatre has helped me to trust the writing of atmospheric imagery. I can’t possibly remember everything that happened during the events I picture in Delíria but I can convey the potency of images and moods.
Wild Twin and Ghost Town are twins really. They’re about the same person – me – and some of the characters in GT reappear in WT. These characters being family members and friends.
Wild Twin though breaks out of Liverpool – to Amsterdam and Paris and adventures and mishaps on the road. It frequently returns to Liverpool in its back and forth structure and there are echoes of Ghost Town memories and events throughout. I think in WT I go even further into hallucinatory states and I think that comes from embracing the delirium.
The two books – three if you include Delíria, four if you include my play Bright Phoenix – are related through their readiness to embrace the provisional and the uncertain. I’m a believer in the importance of doubt as a motivating device. I don’t trust certainty. I think Wild Twin goes further into that condition than Ghost Town does and I think it has a wilder spirit.
And Wild Twin is about place and home too. Resisting and searching for place and home. Part Three of the book was written in my dad’s living room as I was caring for him in the last year of his life. He was bedbound with physical problems and he also had Alzheimer’s. I was writing a book which is primarily about memory in the room where my dad could no longer remember huge swaths of his life. This became absorbed into the mood of the book and now that he is dead the room is filled with the presence of his absence and the memories he couldn’t remember. The room is haunted.
I wonder – and this probably applies more to Ghost Town than Wild Twin given what you say about the latter’s further exploration of hallucinatory states – if with greater distance between the moment and writing about it, it also seems to you that the facts become blurrier but the interpretation sharpens? Hindsight, as in attaining a less deluded state through the experience of living, and, with an ever-increasing sense of our own mortality, there being less reason to shield ourselves from once uncomfortable truths about ourselves.
This idea that the facts become blurrier but the interpretation sharpens really interests me. There’s a fleeting moment in Ghost Town where I write about a memory from childhood when I saw a man running down our street waving a shoebox in the air. I was probably four years old and I watched him running, puzzled and fascinated. After a while I realised that just ahead of him, just out of reach, there was a canary and he was trying to catch it – presumably his escaped pet – in the box. I’ve never forgotten this moment and it presents itself to me as a very clear image, vividly lit, slow motion, like a painted animation. It fascinates me that I remember this so clearly – albeit distorted and probably ‘improved’ in time – when so much else from that time has faded or been forgotten. So the facts, as you say, have become blurrier but the interpretation has sharpened. It’s a memory image of such vivid clarity that it represents a period of childhood, emblematic and resonant. Sometimes I go back to the street where it happened and I can see it all over again like a projected film. This is a very Ghost Town memory moment.
In Wild Twin I write quite a lot about not being the best version of myself that I could have been – in my 20’s, a bit of a deadbeat, directionless and careless. So ‘the uncomfortable truths’ about myself are there on the page and I found it quite easy to write about. No delusions or illusions. I was a fairly hapless dropout, always getting the sack from dead end jobs in Amsterdam and living on the breadline in squats. It felt like I was living the dream but even though I had an amazing time I now question the whole way of life. I’m nearly 67, I have multiple health problems and I am very conscious of mortality so I’m quite open to being quite forensic about my failings in the past.
I’m not sure if this answers the question here! But memory is a shaped and constantly refined and altered construct and what fascinates me is the unconscious selection process. I like it that memory is like damaged Super 8 or a mangled cassette. I like the shadowy and the poetics of that space.
I loved Delíria. It presents a version of yourself inspired to travel and see the world by the Beats, but also draws on Malcolm Lowry, Jean Genet, and Fernando Pessoa as the couple you depict drift around Porto and its environs. What comes across from Delíria, Ghost Town and Bright Phoenix is that you see the city as more than the sum of its parts, and as more than what is immediately visible even to the observant eye; a place where past, present and future intersect. Have you always felt this way, or has that sense developed out of being a non-naturalistic writer, aka someone who’s always inclined to imagine more than meets the eye?
Again, the Shadowplay. I think of the shadow realm as being a place of imagination, memory, ghosts, dreams and visions. There’s a bit in Delíria where I talk about East Berlin in the 80’s and how ‘I remember us as ghosts becoming moths, transforming into haunters of a place lost in time, of the night when we were cinema…’ It’s a fleeting memory of a tram ride through East Berlin late at night and it comes to me as shadowy images rather than realistic event. And I talk about Porto in the night as a fever-dream, as hallucinations. Most of the time I was in Porto I was drunk (I no longer drink) and that drunkenness adds to the fever. I perceive certain places as temporally unstable – past, present and future overlap, there is a drunkenness to the everlasting moment. I actively encourage this. I don’t rationally believe in ghosts but I chose to because the world is more interesting that way. My background in theatre has enhanced this way of thinking. The type of theatre I used to make tended to use the magical possibilities of the performance space as an invitation to break conventions of representation – anything is possible, ghosts can come to dinner, the dead can speak, people can die over and over again, the past is right here, right now. The idea of making theatre was ‘to imagine more than meets the eye’, to pull down the membrane between this world and the world of ‘imagination, memory, ghosts, dreams and visions’. I think I’m trying to do that in the books and I think the little boy who sat on the front step watching a man trying to catch a canary in a shoebox was already doing that. It’s like a Marc Chagall painting or a moment in a fairy tale. The potency of that is what I’m trying to capture.
About two-thirds of the way through Ghost Town, in the chapter ‘Underground Republic’, you say, ‘‘In a dirt-cheap flat in a Georgian mansion I began to write poetry and plays.’ In a sense, the whole book up until then has been an exploration of what makes someone become a writer, but I’m curious as to what tipped you over the edge or gave you the confidence to move from being a reader to a poet and playwright?
Wild Twin explores this further. I’d been living in Amsterdam and had started writing character sketches, poetic fragments about the squat scene and the people I knew there. Before living in Amsterdam I’d tried to write a novel but didn’t really have any ‘territory’ to write about. So, these bits and pieces I was writing started me thinking about actually trying to be a writer instead of just dressing like one! On returning to Liverpool I did a few gigs on the poetry circuit, which seemed to get a decent response. I was writing poems about bedsit life, Liverpool 8, pub characters and so on. And then one of the poets on the bill one night asked me if I’d ever considered writing a play. The thought had never occurred to me. I didn’t come from the sort of background where that was even remotely possible. So, I wrote a play and gave it to him. He was a playwright as well as a poet and I went to see a play he had on and I was blown away. His name was Mark Davies Markham and he died last year. I’d occasionally been to the theatre – Ken Dodd in Twelfth Night, Ken Campbell plays, large scale work by Dogtroep in Amsterdam – but I’d not seen a play like Mark’s, which was a 50 minute, lunchtime play in a room above a pub. Lunchtime Theatre. Mark passed my play onto the company director, Paul Goetzee, and after a series of workshops and rewrites they staged it. It got panned! But I’d written a play. And then they asked me to write another one…I was actually doing what I thought I would never be able to do. I was a writer.
In the same chapter, you describe some of the writers, performers, musicians, outsiders, dropouts and freaks with whom you rubbed shoulders, but also say that you kept your secret society membership to one. What stopped you reaching out to these potential fellow travellers?
I was always an observer. In the Liverpool punk and post-punk era I was aware that other people were forming bands, publishing fanzines, making stuff happen but I didn’t know how to do all that. In my bedroom I’d mime along to records but forming a band was beyond me. I made a ‘zine called Burning Issues and sold it through the back pages of Sounds and Melody Maker. I wrote about music, Lenny Bruce, included collages, poems, a short story. I didn’t have the confidence to take it to gigs and sell it so most of the copies stayed under the bed. Although I had friends I was a bit of a lost soul and didn’t know how to make connections. The Liverpool School of Language, Music, Dream & Pun was a venue and arts centre run by a visionary called Peter O’Halligan. If I had my time over again I’d go into his building and ask if I could get involved, but at the time I was so in awe of the activities in and around the place that all I could do was watch.
All your learning appears to have come outside of school. Do you retain any anger at a secondary modern school system which essentially seems to have written you and many others off? Or could what you felt you needed to learn only ever have come from self-tutelage?
I can’t think of anything beyond rudimentary English skills and a sense of Geography that I learned from school. Some books. I read Barry Hines’s A Kestrel for A Knave because it was featured in a book club magazine that you could buy a book from once a month. That book – as featured in Ghost Town – changed my life. From there I went on to Stan Barstow, John Braine, Keith Waterhouse, Nell Dunn, Shelagh Delaney, Alan Sillitoe, David Storey and so on, and that was my first wave of ‘book crushes’. I didn’t get there via school, I got there through junk shops and street markets. Just about everything I’ve ever learned I got from curiosity, from conversations with friends and strangers, from travelling and exploring. The secondary modern school system gave me nothing. And yet… if I’d gone to a better school or had a grammar school education, my imagination might have been formed by a more rigid system and I might not have discovered the riches of the world. Shit school and the dole created me, and the same thing happened to lots of my generation who left school in the early 70’s. Most of those people in Liverpool post-punk bands came though the same route. So, self-tutelage, the auto-didactic route worked for me. I’ve had a life-long messy self-education and I benefited from going to a mediocre school.
You’ve worked across a varied range of forms, but scripting whether for stage, screen or radio seems to have been your mainstay. What occasioned the shift to memoir?
I got ill! I spent 30 years working in theatre and radio and I did a lot of collaborative work with artists, musicians, choreographers and so on, stuff in unusual spaces like a power station, a submarine dock, derelict houses, boating lakes. My approach to theatre was always collaborative and rather than just send the script in, job done I’d always be in rehearsals and in collaborative conversation with the creative team. I worked in TV drama for two years but hated it, wrote film scripts that got optioned but never got made. And then, due to a series of traumatic life events I became ill and unable to work. I couldn’t even type. I had a few ongoing, outstanding projects on the go for radio and it became increasingly obvious to everyone that I wasn’t going to be able to finish the scripts. So, I passed the work on to other writers. I’d done six Essays for BBC Radio 3 and these reached Adrian Cooper at Little Toller Books. Adrian could see a book in them and so I reworked some of the radio essays and then expanded them to tell other stories, and that became Ghost Town. Because I couldn’t work in theatre anymore and because my radio work had come to an end I found that whereas I’d always been ‘in the room’ with collaborators I now had to work out how to write in my office at home alone. And then Covid happened and I spent two years in the house, shielding. Ghost Town came out the week before lockdown. And when the bookshops opened again it started selling, got really good reviews, nominated for awards and so on, and I was a memoirist!
Alongside numerous photos, Ghost Town also features pages of artwork mixing collage with hand-written text. Do you see writing and art as indivisible or separate but allied forms of expression? How important is the look of the printed page to you?
I’ve always kept scrapbooks and notebooks as part of my creative process. I just find that making images is a way of visualising the atmosphere I’m trying to create on the page – or on the stage. I used to mainly keep the notebooks to myself, just part of the process, but I started showing them to students when I was teaching Creative Writing and they became my ‘thing’, I was the writer who made collages in notebooks. When I joined Twitter and Instagram – which I’d resisted for years – to promote Ghost Town I started posting images from the notebooks and they got a really good response. The first edition of Ghost Town incorporated photos, the paperback edition also included notebook pages. I think writing and art are indivisible. I think in images, make images, try to capture images in words. When I was writing for theatre I used to write the images we would see on stage. I think visually and therefore write visually. Now I’m making the transformation to exhibiting the work with a couple of exhibitions in the works. Wild Twin will include notebook collages, echoes of the words, shadows of the atmospheres I’m trying to evoke.
Reflecting about its sense of ways of life disappearing, Ghost Town reminded me of Tomás O’Crohan’s The Islandman, written about life on the Great Blasket Island at the end of the nineteenth and start of the twentieth century. O’Crohan’s purpose was ‘to set down the character of the people about me so that some record of us might live after us, for the like of us will never be again’. Did you have a similar purpose in mind with Ghost Town?
I love that book! All the works that came out of the Blasket Islands are important to me and I made a pilgrimage there some years ago to pay homage. I hope I go some way towards setting ‘down the character of the people’. The phrase, ‘the like of us will never be seen again’ is something I’ve carried around in my head for decades. The shadows of my ancestors are visible in the pages of Ghost Town, glimpses of them moving through its pages. It is indeed – hopefully – a shadowplay, and because my family history, like many peoples, has never been written down I hope Ghost Town at least gives a glimpse of their presence in the history of this city.
‘Even as a child I was aware that the city was being imaginatively reduced.’ How palpable now is this sense of your city – Liverpool – being a ghost town? Would you say that this is a feeling held in common by large sections of the population? How did audiences respond to your play, Bright Phoenix, which asks (and provides its own answer to) the question, ‘Who owns the city?’
The elements that make great cities are not property development, surveillance systems, private land and Freeports. Cities are made by artists, human movement, leisure, music, meeting places, communal gatherings, silver screens, quiet corners, places to sit and dream and observe, stories being told and listened to, architecture, weather, sunsets, food, drink, birds and animals, trees, the seasons, dissent, argument, memory…many other things in the spaces in between the buildings.
Great cities aren’t made by property developers, business journalists and lobbyists, corrupt politicians, shit newspapers, theme hotel spivs, retrospective planning permission, quangos, growth parasites – these are the forces that ‘imaginatively reduce’ the city, often to their own benefit. Shit buildings do not enhance the city, mindless ‘growth’ reduces us.
The idea of the ‘ghost town’ was really meant to encourage people to look beyond the idea of property and growth as being the things that make a city. City as haunted space where its own memories are still in process. If you treat the fabric of the city badly you kill the ghosts and it becomes the wrong sort of ‘ghost town’ like the song by the Specials. It becomes a hollowed out, soulless place – or rather Non-Place. I want the city to nurture its ghosts rather than kill them.
‘The city is an aquarium of stone sea creatures; there are merman above us, waiting for the waters to rise.’
I think the title is a bit ambiguous. During lockdown the city did feel like a ghost town in the desolate ruins sense. My feeling about the phrase is warmer, haunted, atmospheric, memory infused.
Bright Phoenix was one of the starting points for Ghost Town. A lot of the ideas in the book began in the play. Because its mainly focused on one street – Liverpool’s Lime Street – and one building in particular – the Futurist Cinema – it gave me a crucible to cook ideas in about dereliction, abandonment, ‘regeneration’, development, marginalised characters, art, dissidence. I found it gave me a way to voice dissident ideas that I couldn’t air elsewhere. I wanted to have a pop at the Council and at all those people I mention above – the property developers and so on – without resorting to agit-prop. It’s a poem really, a sort of urban, 21st Century folktale about a gang of kids called The Awkward Bastards who meet up again when they’re still disaffected adults and decide to save the derelict Futurist from death. Sadly, they fail. But they fight like demons and grow. ‘Who owns the City?’ is the question and the graffiti. Their answer is WE DO, not you fuckers.
It was very well received and reviewed and we had after-show discussions with the audience about the themes where people voiced their anger and contempt for the corruption in the Council and the dirty tactics of developers. I had great, heated conversations with representatives of the other side of the argument. For months, people would stop me on the street or come up to me in bars to talk about the ideas and how they were presented in the play. Of course, the characters in the play lose the fight and in the real world the Futurist was demolished as was most of Lime Street to be replaced by a soulless strip of meaningless units that look like something from a giant’s shit kitchen. Maybe you can’t beat the powers that be but you can have a good go. The play was about the value of community gathering places, and of course the powers that be don’t want the community to gather.
You manage to put together two iconic songs from the late 70s / early 80s in the title and subtitle of your memoir – was that intentional or a happy accident? Music certainly seems to be a presence in your life, spilling over into the text in certain chapters, and informing your development; was it as important as the books you found your way to?
This was a complete but happy accident! Maybe a subconscious instinct? Music is a huge part of my life, part of my imagination. I’ve worked a lot with musicians over the years and it’s been a way of feeling like I’m in a band. I collected records from an early age and amassed a library of vinyl and CDs – pop, punk, jazz, blues, dub reggae, folk and so on. I write to music, find the mood of the piece by adjusting the type of music I listen to. Music is there in the writing – Fado in Delíria, Mingus and Kevin Coyne in Ghost Town, Sun Ra, Beefheart. Wild Twin has Nico, Television, The Gun Club, The Modern Lovers and all kinds of other wonders. When I can’t write I listen to music, when I’m writing I listen to music. It is the soul.
Imagine that I’m a recovering alcoholic. Imagine that I have issues and torments, the kind that need a troubled cure for a troubled mind. Imagine that I’ve gathered with seven other self-flagellating substance misusers to try and effect some small changes in my life which may just set me on the road to recovery. This is not so much therapy as self-help, with serious doses of woe and misfortune from all corners and sides. It’s about stepping out of the mindset which allows us down and outs to proceed on autopilot, so that we can repurpose our rote behaviours away from what we don’t want, and towards what we do. To press pause, before we press play again.
At least, that’s the theory.
Having relaxed in our seats and closed our eyes, we are asked by a gentle guiding soul to imagine a lemon on a pure white plate. As we are mentally picking up the lemon and putting it to our respective noses, the silence – which we have been made aware is not in fact silence simply by having it drawn to our attention (the whirr of fans, talking from the next meeting room along, the cries of seagulls) – is broken by the entry of a grey-haired man with a similarly-coloured moustache and tattoos on his muscular forearms; an apparently random entity. We open our eyes, surprised, but our guiding soul decides to ignore him and proceed with the visualisation, trying to maintain the spell, to keep us in the palm of her hand, and the lemon on the plate from vanishing. So, in the stranger’s presence, we are asked to take a knife and cut our lemons in half, observing how the fruit feels, its colour, the smell as the serrated edge bites through its skin. ‘Cut a slice from the lemon, and eat it.’ I eat mine with the rind on, pips’n’all, wincing at the sourness in front of Miles Davis, to see if the sight of lemon being eaten renders him incapable of playing, as the urban myth suggests is true of trumpeters, and so that a lemon tree begins to grow inside of me, the fruits emerging in a matter of minutes in place of fingers and toes and ears and nose and – no, I’ll stop my imagination and yours short of there. The guiding soul has said that all this might seem surreal or weird to us, but to me, it’s what I do, imagining lemons, or rather, what is not, what is elsewhere, what might be, to the extent that sometimes I find it hard to be present in the actual moment, which this visualisation of the non-actual is confusingly proceeding from.
Having eaten some lemon, we come back into the room and open our eyes again. The interloper is still there and I ask him which meeting he’s expecting this to be. ‘School governors?’ he says, and we tell him, no, and he leaves, having witnessed something which must have seemed infinitely more surreal and weird out of context than in.
We are asked to volunteer an aspect of our behaviour that we would like to change. When it comes to my turn, I look around the room, as if to make doubly sure that none of the people with whom I work directly are there to hear what I’m about to say, and then talk about burning the candle at both ends, and how my – ahem – ‘creative pursuits’ (a phrase which occasions some fnarr fnarring, so that I’m obliged to say ‘oi, stop it!’) keep me up till all hours and minimise the amount of time I have in which to sleep, until inevitably I end up feeling exhausted, falling into a daily afternoon slump that inevitably affects my work. The guiding soul teases out how I feel about this. I am conflicted. I wish there were twice as many hours in a day, but there aren’t, and if I want to keep imagining lemons while also attending a place of gainful employment at which I am on occasion invited to imagine a lemon, then my behaviour has to change.
To finish, and without sharing, we commit to a task; mine has to be to go to bed earlier. I already know this – had in fact resolved upon that course of action the previous day – but sharing something of myself with people to whom I rarely if ever open up gives my commitment an edge. And last night, I did indeed go to bed early, or at least, earlier. One harvested lemon doesn’t make a summer, and I can’t say that I feel entirely refreshed on the back of it, but I believe that will come, in time.
We’re having the shower room done. For reasons too enervating to detail, it’s taking forever, and I’ve been forced to wallow in baths while the work is completed. I don’t especially like baths. They belong to childhood, to a freezing cold house with no shower. Shivering, I would scorch my feet in too-hot water upon testing it; after long immersion, my skin emerged as wrinkled as a prune. These days when I’m scurrying to get to work, baths take too long. Most of all, I don’t write well in them. They’re too soporific; don’t clear my head and induce a trance-like state as showering does. As I wash myself from tip to toe, ideas magically descend; ‘coming down like love, falling at my feet, just like spring rain.’ (Yes, I often sing too. Be glad you can’t hear.) Showers open my writing mind, allowing me to muse poetical and make connections from which a tumble of words will follow, once I sit down naked to rat-a-tat-tat them into the laptop.
So I’d been missing showering, until a holiday last week allowed me to write under water again, and dream this up. Of course ideas and sentences do come to me at other times in other ways and places, but running aside, none is more likely to birth new linguistic lifeforms than ten minutes in the shower.
The old shower at home had an abrasive power. With the pump that drove it decommissioned (health and safety), I’d been worrying that the new one might not do the trick. The holiday reminded me that such anxiety must seem mere minutiae to anyone who isn’t a writer. It’s a given that the new will work just as well as the old, and further sets of 300 words will begin life in the shower.
Recently WordPress suggested that posts be tagged ‘longform’ to enable readers drawn to weightier fare to find it more easily. What an ugly word. I’m not doing that, even supposing it did mean losing countless visits. But with all the competing verbiage around, I have wondered how well-read my longer posts are. So I’ve decided to try writing shortform. I learnt the discipline of working to word limits while writing reviews for a listings magazine. If I remember correctly, I was paid £14 for 300 words. Didn’t seem a fortune at the time. Now it feels generous, for what it was. Imagine if I got £14 for 300 words here! My U alone would be worth £56.
Everything I’ve ever written has been thoroughly considered. I need to force myself to give in to the here and now. Any finessing will come in attempting to squeeze what I have to say into exactly 300 words.
Only me being me, I’m going do it 300 times. Over time, to no particular deadline. 300 x 300 = 90,000. By the end, I’ll have a book. I can’t help thinking in terms of books. They’re what I was bred on, what I always aspired to write. So much of what I’ve written has been in the form of parts of something larger, a book to contain it all. The web has changed everything. Like water through all but the most watertight system, words find a way to their readers. In comparison, a writer can start to believe that what books do is hide words away. But I am still in love with the book, and I want one all of my own, like the Clash wanted a riot.
300 words. That’s all. No other prescription. Anything as a subject. How hard can it
I’m not sure what woke me; it’s too deep in the night for it to be early morning dreams. Perhaps the territorial screeches of battling wildlife. Oh, but then as I shift position, a twinge inside my rib cage – the acid of reflux. It’s snapped me awake. I can tell I’m going to struggle to get back under. An avalanche of images, thoughts and concerns is triggered by the noise of my mind coming to life. Gradually I whittle these away until there remains the essence of an idea; a netsuke that I will set aside time to carve in miniaturist detail, if only I can remember its essence tomorrow. I don’t want to disturb my partner sleeping next to me, so I have only two options; to repeat a concatenation of reminder words mantra-like before I fall asleep in the hope that I’ll remember them tomorrow, or to better ensure I do so by writing blind in pencil on a clean page at the back of the notebook I keep on my bedside table. As you can imagine, this is a hit and miss affair. I restrict myself to those key words that I hope will convey to me the idea as a whole when I look at them the following day. But sometimes I struggle to read notes to myself written in full daylight; written in the dark my letters will loop crazily, while ‘t’s will be missing their cross bars, and ‘i’s their dots. Words and lines will overlap.
The following morning I am improvising or even riffing in the car as my subconscious drives me to work. My mind is trying to find something on which to latch and around which to gather. I am thinking of the infinite variation of repetitive journeys, because early on in this one, someone ran across the dual carriageway between the two petrol stations on either side of the road, hurdling the barrier in the middle. This has never happened before. The man is wearing the kind of fluorescent protective clothing a fire-fighter might; perhaps he’s a petrol tanker driver. Automatically I hit the brakes, because naturally I don’t want this real life game of Frogger to come to a sticky end. The proximity of death shakes me, though admittedly in not quite the same way as when I put my own self in the way of vehicular harm. I could continue on in this vein, noting all the variations from the norm of the drive there and back – the different birds I sight, the endlessly changing landscape and skies, the faces and bodies and clothing of the pedestrians I let cross at the roundabout. In so doing I could show that there is some kind of variety in the rote of routine, if you choose to look for it. But these thoughts are elbowed to one side, by not one but two new netsuke. The first is the resumption of last night’s musing on writing in the dark. The second is an entirely novel idea; as I glimpse it come into being I see also how it may move my writing forward, in a new direction. The essence of the idea is contained in about six to eight words. Now I know I need to get to the car park double quick and write those words down before I lose them forever. Because if that happens, I won’t be as sanguine about it as Yuri is in Pasternak’s Doctor Zhivago:
‘So many new thoughts come into your head when your hands are busy with hard physical work, when your mind has set you a task which can be achieved by physical effort and which brings its reward in joy and success, when for six hours on end you dig or hammer, scorched by the life-giving breath of the sky. And it isn’t a loss but a gain that these transient thoughts, intuitions, analogies, are not put down on paper but forgotten. The town hermit, whipping up his nerves and his imagination with strong black coffee and tobacco, doesn’t know the strongest drug of all – good health and real need.’
Inevitably my attention is diverted by the flashing lights of a slow moving vehicle, and by other slightly less slow moving vehicles moving into my lane to overtake them. When I settle back into driving on autopilot and resume my conscious attempts to turn ideas and feelings into words, I find that while I can remember the writing in the dark idea, the novel netsuke is gone. I try to smoke it out as methodically as a private detective might uncover the address or no fixed abode of a missing person. I rewind, scroll back, follow the links that form the chain of my thoughts, handling each one in turn. I jump to the start of the journey, and even beyond that to my shower before setting off (it’s another place where ideas come to me). But the chain is broken and the missing link refuses to be brought back into sight. I turn off the music – Dead in the boot, appropriately enough – in order to let my mind run free, because I know now that I’m straining too hard to remember. If I just let myself drift into the drifting mood I was in before the slow moving vehicle blocked the way, before the anxious seeking took hold, I’ll surely remember.
But the netsuke is gone. It may never now be carved. As in the night-time, I wish I had an inky pipe going out of my brain onto a page which I could look at the next day, or perhaps a chip with something akin to a telepathic recording facility wirelessly connected to a laptop. Maybe there will be such things in twenty or fifty or a hundred years’ time. (You may be thinking, but the technical solution already exists – the note-taking app on your phone! Unfortunately in the dark my eyes can’t cope with the glare from its screen.) I can still feel that it was a novel thought. But perhaps that’s why it didn’t stick, because it was brand new, and not a familiar theme or notion circling overhead, frequently visible in the past but never yet butterfly-netted.
These written in the dark thoughts are of that kind – so much easier to pull into the shape of words than that fleetingly glimpsed hint of new connections which ultimately proved not quite strong enough to live. Still, I am full of frustration, mourning its loss; is this what dementia will be like, only with the connections that connect each item in the ordinary store of memory severed?
At the turning for Rowlands Castle, under my breath and as so many times before, I sing ‘Through the last light on the plain / Roland to the dark tower came’.