A believer secretly doubts God and does devilish things when she thinks He’s not looking. An atheist is desperate to have God hold him in His heart so that he is no longer obliged to hold himself.

A teenage boy wishes he could dress like a girl, while a teenage girl, already dressing like a boy, doesn’t know what the fuck she wants, but it sure as hell isn’t this.

A professional footballer wants to be a child again, for the game to be like it was when he was a kid kicking about the parks – endlessly enjoyable. A boy wants to be a professional footballer, at the centre of the action, of the world, blissfully unaware of how such a life may limit and challenge him.

A public sector employee wants the risk and the possibilities of the private. A private sector worker wants the absence of risk and the security of the public.

A married man yearns to be unmarried and free; a lonely single one dreams the full dream of love and the ideal of 2.4 children, or whatever the average is now in the postindustrial Western world.

Another unmarried man wants to be his idea of a woman – soft and cosseted and owned – while a married woman wants to be her idea of a man – free and reckless and amoral.

An old woman wants to be young again and noticed. A young woman wishes she was old, so she could escape the eyes which follow her everywhere she goes.

A dog wants to be a cat, so he can exit via the flap, while the cat wants to be a dog, because frankly she’s bored of the immediate locale, and that fucking dog gets to go on family trips and pee on lampposts all over town.